HUMOR BUTTON: CAUTION: HUNGRY DIETER, MAY BITE IF PROVOKED

DIETING IS WISHFUL SHRINKING

SKINNY PEOPLE TICK ME OFF!!! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my car keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.--SIOUXSIE Q

DIETING IS THE PENALTY FOR LIVING BEYOND YOUR SEAMS. --Daniel L. Worona

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

EVERYONE had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic — the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?" Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"

NEVER a good dieter, my mother was in the "on-again" phase of her "on-again, off-again" diet plan. She loves sweets, and one day I caught her pouring chocolate syrup into a cup. "What are you doing?" I demanded. "I'm saving calories," she insisted. "I'm eating it without the ice cream."

AFTER noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my secret: "I put our teenage son's shorts in his underwear drawer."

AFTER my husband asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening TV snacks and substituted crisp celery. While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate frosting over a freshly baked cake. When it was over, my husband turned to me. "Did you ever notice," he asked, "that they never advertise celery on TV?"

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich.